BYU Education Week -- Friday Part 2

FINDING JOY IN YOUR LIFE'S JOURNEY (RANDAL A WRIGHT): His boys were basketball players, legends in their own minds.  They had a couch who was a grouch and they didn't win one game until one night when their couch wasn't there.  That night a young single adult coached them and they won.  The next year the same thing happened. They lost all the time with the grouchy coach.  His 10 year old son cried and said, "Dad, I can't play when somebody is yelling at me all the time." When you're around somebody with a sense of humor who lifts you, you feel good.  Joseph Smith said we should cheerfully do all things that lie in our power.  He said this while he was in Liberty Jail.  How could anybody be unhappy who has the gospel of Jesus Christ or who knows where they're going? As we interact with other people, we have an influence on them and they have an influence on us.  One person with a negative attitude can make it spread to others.  Or a person with a positive attitude can lift others.  If you're afraid to try because you're afraid you won't make it, you've already not made it!  A mission president's wife was very discouraged.  She had just had a baby and had another baby still in diapers.  The mission home had lots of bugs and rats.  She didn't have a dryer and the diapers were mildewing.  She started crying.  Her husband came in and saw her crying.  He told her they were going to fix the rat and bug problems and get the dryer fixed and it would get better.  He told her one day she'd go home and laugh about all this.  He said, "Why not enjoy it now?"  That changed her attitude. We can be happy if we want to, regardless of our circumstances. Neil A. Maxwell said, "We can learn that at the center of our agency is our freedom to form a healthy attitude toward whatever circumstances we are placed in!  Those, for instance, who stretch themselves in service though laced with limiting diseases, are often the healthiest among us.  The Spirit can drive the flesh beyond where the body first agrees to go." A group of saints traveled to the Aba, Nigeria Temple two weeks after it was dedicated.  The roads were unpaved and very muddy.  Their bus got stuck on a muddy road.  They had to wade through the mud part of the way.  They got their nice white shirts all muddy.  They finally arrived at the temple.  They showed pictures of them.  They were always smiling, even when they were covered in mud.  How do we find joy in our journey?  Don't compare yourself to other people.  He asked students what the most important job was.  Somebody said a brain surgeon.  He asked them what would happen if you needed brain surgery but the surgical knife people had gone on strike and he had nothing to perform the surgery with.  What if the truck drivers went on strike and all the grocery stores emptied out.  Every job is important.  PMS is Perfect Mormon Syndrome.  He read a funny story about the Perfect Mormon family who jogged every morning wearing their perfectly matching jogging suits made from an old shower curtain.  Everybody has their strong points and weak points.  We need to quit comparing ourselves.  There is not one of us who is insignificant in the eyes of God.  He gave His angels charge concerning us to watch over us.  Life is a roller coaster.  You're up one minute and down the next.  It's better to be a roller coaster than a flat line.  His dad got Alzheimer's and his mother took care of him.  He got so he didn't recognize anybody.  He'd say rude things to his wife, "You're not my wife, she's pretty."  Every once in a while he would come back a little.  He got so he wouldn't eat.  One day his mother got so mad at him she said, "Oh go to hell."  He roused a little bit and said, "I'll see you there."  He kept his sense of humor.  He showed a video clip of a dog running around a little toddler who was laughing his head off.  That dog knew how to entertain the baby!  We need to be like that.  One time he went to get gas and as he was filling his tank, he noticed another man also filling his tank.  This other man had a straggly beard, dirty clothes, and had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.  He found himself looking down at that man and thinking he was better than he was.  Then he went in to pay for his gas and realized he'd left his wallet at home and didn't have any money to pay for it.  He went out to his car to see if he had any money, but he did not.  He went in to talk to the clerk about it but she told him that the straggly man with the cigarette had seen his predicament and had paid his bill for him.  He could picture this man on Judgment Day with the Savior asking him, Did you smoke while on the earth?  Yes.  Minus 5 points.  Did you love your fellow men?  Yes.  Plus 100 points!  And he could see himself on Judgment Day with the Savior questioning him.  Did you smoke on earth?  No, I treated my body like a temple.  Five points.  Did you judge your fellowmen?  Well, yes.  Minus 100 points.  Sometimes a few acts of kindness will change things.  We need to build our testimony on Jesus Christ and try to become like Him.  What does the Savior want from us?  A broken heart and a contrite spirit.  Our gift to Jesus is a broken heart and Jesus' gift to us is to whisper to us what we are to do with our life.  He wants us to be better people.  Once you see who you really are, you can just take off and reach your potential. 

LDS WOMEN OF FAITH IN OUR TIME (JAY A PARRY): We've heard a lot about prominent women like Ardeth Capp and Marjorie Hinckley, but he wanted to talk about some everyday women in our day.  This is a great time to be alive.  President Kimball said that women often are selfless and are charity personified.  To be a righteous woman is a glorious thing in any age.  To be a righteous woman during the winding up scene on this earth, before the second coming of our Savior, is an especially noble calling.  They have influence and strength.  Righteous Latter-day Saint women have experienced such great blessings from God as: Testimony of the truth, divine help with temporal needs, comfort and strength in times of struggle, revelation to guide us.  Testimony of truth.  If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed.  Shu-Chih Ho is from Taiwan.  When missionaries told her to pray about if the Book of Mormon was true, she felt awkward doing that.  It wasn't part of her tradition.  But she got an answer that what she was praying for was not just good, but was true.  She wanted to get baptized, but in her culture she was not considered independent of her parents until she was married or was financially independent.  Her parents told her not to get baptized, but finally she went ahead and got baptized without their permission.  Her parents were very unhappy with her.  On Sundays her mother would lock her in her room so she couldn't go to church, but she snuck out the window to go.  She would read the Book of Mormon in Chinese and English at the same time, checking back and forth.  Then she tried reading it just in English and felt a power spirit.  Carolyn Rasmus was going to school at BYU in the early 1970's.  She liked the lifestyle and the examples of her friends, but she didn't feel like she could join the church.  She fasted and prayed and asked to know once and for all if the LDS Church was true or false.  Nothing happened!  She was determined to forget about Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon.  But she couldn't.  Several months later she felt impressed to start paying tithing but didn't know who to pay it to.  So she took 10% and hid it in her room.  She stopped drinking coffee and helped a friend who was going on a mission memorize her mission discussions.  One day she was sitting in a sacrament meeting and felt God telling her the LDS Church was true and that she should be baptized.  How much longer can you pass by the bread of life?  She was baptized and has offered a great contribution.  Julia Klebingat was from Latvia.  She had been raised as an Atheist but was engaged to an LDS man.  She began taking missionary discussions but stopped.  They got married and went to school in Idaho.  He lined up missionaries again, this time sister missionaries.  She rehearsed how to say no when they asked her to be baptized.  The sisters read the story of Christ's baptism in the Bible.  She had heard this story before, but this time it moved her to tears.  She had to leave the room because she was crying.  When they asked her if she wanted to be baptized, the Spirit took over and instead of saying her rehearsed words, she said, "Yes, of course I want to be baptized." But once the missionaries left, the Spirit left too and she decided she didn't want to be baptized. Her husband told her she'd have to tell the missionaries herself.  She went to tell them but found herself telling them she wanted her baptismal date moved up.  Her husband baptized her two months after they got married. Now she's in Eastern Europe with her husband where he's serving as a mission president.  Carma Cutler and her husband had six children.  They were struggling.  Another family in the ward had a father who broke his back and he was not able to provide for his family.  So Sister Cutler offered to buy milk for the family.  This went on for weeks while the father was in the hospital.  They were so grateful for the help of the milk.  After the family no longer needed this help, Sister Cutler realized she didn't have money for her own family's milk.  But then a neighbor came over with milk and said their cow had started giving more milk all of a sudden and they hated it to go to waste.  Could they give her the extra milk?  The cow kept giving extra milk until she got back far more than what she'd given the other family.  Marjorie McCormick ran out of coal for their coal burning furnace. She used the last little bit which was enough to last that night only.  The next morning she went downstairs, knowing the coat bin would be empty like the night before, but it again had just enough for that day.  The same thing happened day after day.  Every day she'd empty the coal bin but the next morning there was just enough for one more day. This lasted until they were able to get enough money to buy more coal.  Elaine Cannon's husband became ill and she felt like God had forsaken her.  She felt overwhelmed trying to take care of her 6'6" husband.  Then a man called her early one morning who said he'd been prompted by the Spirit to see how he could help. She lied and said everything was fine, but he said he wasn't going to hang up until she told him what was wrong.  She told him of her struggles and he gave her a handicapped van that she greatly needed, which helped her transport her husband.  Sometimes the Lord won't remove our afflictions, but He'll help us bear our afflictions with patience.  Christine had a temple marriage and several children.  Then suddenly her husband told her he was leaving her for another woman.  Her broken heart could not be comforted.  But she decided to go to the Temple.  She wished her mother could be there.  Her mother had passed away when she was young.  Christine prayed if she could have just one hug from her mother.  A woman in the temple tapped her on the shoulder and said, "You look like you could use a hug.  Can I hug you?"  Of course this wasn't her mother, but the Lord had sent someone to give her the needed hug.  Marnie Spencer had many children.  Then she became ill.  Doctors didn't know what was wrong.  She got a priesthood blessing in which she was blessed that she'd know which doctor to go to.  She felt impressed to go to Dr. Wood who found a tumor and removed it.  She lost her vision, her hearing, her breast, and her hair to cancer.  But she has not lost her faith and is grateful for what she has. When she prays, she can feel her Father there.  She felt Him telling her that she will always look like a princess to Him.  A woman married a man who had a pornography problem.  Emotionally she could feel something different about him.  Finally he confessed his problem to her.  He had been introduced to pornography when he was 6 years old.  He quit to serve a mission and to marry her in the temple, but then got started on it again.  She considered leaving him, but tried to work with him. He got involved in the church's addiction recovery program.  As her husband was going through his struggles, she was going through struggles of her own.  She felt alone many times, but prayed and felt like somebody was embracing her.  She began to understand the Atonement.  It's not just for the sinner, but also for the person who has been hurt by the sinner.  She remembered that Jesus Christ carries everyone's burden.  He is just waiting for us to let go of our pride and say, "I can't do this anymore."  He is the only One who knows what path will bring us happiness.  She knows the Lord will carry her.  She had gotten so low that she had nowhere to look but up to Him.  There was a loving Relief Society President.  Things ran smoothly in her Relief Society.  Then she got a call from a man who was taking care of his aged mother at home by himself.  She had gone into a coma like state and doctors said there was nothing that could be done for her.  He said his mother was a very modest woman and he couldn't bring herself to remove her clothing to clean her.  He needed help.  So the Relief Society went over there and as she was about to wash her, the words came into her mind, "Inasmuch as Ye have done it unto the least of these, Ye have done it unto me."  All the while she felt the privilege of doing this.  This sister died the next day in a clean bed with the dignity that she deserved.  This Relief Society President had been changed forever.  If thou shalt ask, thou shalt receive revelation upon revelation, knowledge upon knowledge, that with bringeth life eternal. The Lord will guide us in or relationships, in every needful way.  There are many things that are right that we need to be asking about.  Melodie Child was concerned about her son Paul.  He was withdrawing from the family, stopped going to church with them.  He stopped coming to family meals.  Sister Child pleaded with the Lord for an answer.  The answer she got was "keep cutting his toenails."  He was a teenager but she had kept cutting his toenails since he was a baby.  She realized this was the one contact she still had with him.  So once a week she cut his toenails, even more often than he needed it, very slowly, with much love.  After months of this, she felt prompted that she should offer Paul a small hug every Sunday.  The softening of his heart took years, but it came.  When she became elderly and helpless, Paul combed her hair in a very loving way.  The Lord gives us answers.  Barbara Smith Amussen was the mother of President Ezra Taft Bensen's wife.  She was a faithful woman.  One night her deceased husband appeared to her in a vision.  He came to her on a Friday to tell her that on the following Thursday she would be leaving mortal life.  On Sunday she attended Fast Meeting and bore her testimony, bidding everyone good-bye.  The next week she paid all her bills, had the water and power turned off at her house, and then went to spend her last night with her daughter.  She peacefully passed away on Thursday.  Myrna Behunin got a call from her son's teacher saying he's been bad in class.  She was ready to give it to him when he got home from school.  She saw him walking down the street, fighting with another boy.  She shouted at him to come into the house.  At first he ignored her, but then came in.  Before she talked to him, she sent him to his room, and then she prayed.  After her prayer she went to talk to him.  She asked him to forgive her for being so cross with him.  Then she asked him how he was doing and what he was feeling.  The Spirit caused them to talk in whisper.  She lost all inclination to yell at him. The Spirit guided her through that experience because she'd prayed.  Lili Taylor was pregnant with her fifth baby. She felt very fatigued and the doctor didn't know why.  She didn't have the energy to do the things she wanted to do.  She prayed and prayed for help with this burden.  She didn't know what to do.  The answer came that she should ask the Lord to guide her to set her priorities.  Sometimes she had things she wanted to do but the Lord told her not to do them that day.  Other days He told her to do things she didn't want to do. She obeyed.  Some days He would bless her with energy to do things she needed to do.  Other days He'd bless her to endure her dirty house.  The more she turned her life over to the Lord, the more He sustained her. She still can't do everything everyone wants her to do, but she can do the things that God wants her to do each day. She knows her priorities are in the right place.  These are stories of how the Lord helped a variety of sisters in different ways.  Heavenly Father is mindful of us and is willing to send His help to every one of us. 

HOW TO HANDLE CRITICISM AND NEGATIVITY (KIRK WILKINSON): When he first submitted the title to this class he called it "Dealing with Jerks" but they wanted him to change it.  He's an expert in FDP--Finding Difficult People.  The flip side.  He also has his moment where he is a difficult person. He was checking into a hotel and the person in front of him in line was giving the clerk a terrible time.  Then it was his turn to check in and he said his name and the clerk said, "Oh, Jerk.  Ooops I mean Kirk."  Sometimes he is Kirk the Jerk.  We live with other people and there are some of them that can make our lives miserable.  How do we handle that in a way that we don't let it effect us?  Sometimes we start to believe what they say.  Sometimes people feel stupid and have low self worth.  Often it came from someone in their life that told them this in words or body language.  Then they had no energy to combat it so they started to believe it.  It is time to learn to deal with criticism in such a way that you can remain emotionally whole.  You can be in that situation but know that you are worth dignity no matter what someone says.  There are skills to allow you to do that.  You cannot only deal with the criticism but the critic as well.  Love your enemies, bless them that curse you.  Do good to them and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you.  To the degree that we can love our enemies, we become Christlike.  It is hard to love these people, especially when they are the people who are supposed to be those who love us the most.  Criticism takes many forms and is complex.  Say you promised to cook a pot roast for dinner on Sunday but you end up making macaroni and cheese.  Someone says, "Oh, macaroni and cheese again?"  Some of you in this audience wouldn't even care about this comment.  But to others of you that would be a criticism.  You spend a lot of time making a hand made gift for a good friend, and they don't say thank you.  Is that a criticism?  To some it would be, to others they'd just think the person was rude.  self criticism in the form of put-downs and self indictment.  "I can't believe I am so stupid.  I did it again.  No one will love me now.  This always happens to me."  If we can't say something nice about ourselves, we should not say anything at all.  Demeaning comments and actions that are intentionally demeaning.  "You are so lazy.  You will never amount to anything.  You will never lose that weight."  Unintended criticism -- no intention to hurt or well intended but hurtful.  "Here, let me do it.  I can see you'll never get it done."  Regardless of the form it is still criticism.  You can still be humble and think you're all that.  He has his days.  There are things he hasn't mastered yet.  He's trying to get better at not being critical and at not letting criticism bother him.  Criticism always has three elements.  If you don't understand these elements, you can never get past the criticism.  They are: Facts, Feelings, and Needs.  Facts: Who, what, when, where, how, and frequency.  You can get caught up in the facts.  Feelings: How you (and your critic) felt before, during and after being criticized.  Needs: Your needs and the needs of your critic. Often the feelings are hidden so the facts are what we wrap yourself around.  As long as you stay at the fact level. you'll never get to anything but compromise.  There will never be a win-win situation.  Typically, criticism will state facts in ways that cause feelings and we get offended.  If you start at the facts and only hear the facts, it's from the outside in.  If you start at the feelings, it's from the inside out.  The most successful way to handle criticism and critics is from the inside out.  The way to handle the criticism is to prepare before the criticism begins.  You need to feel from the inside out that you are worthy of greatness, respect, and dignity.  You need to feel that you are worthy of that respect.  Build your self worth.  Learn the I am Strong formula.  The self worth pyramid has self worth on the bottom, then self esteem, and at the top is self confidence.  You need to separate what you do from what you are.  Separate what you do from who you are.  Be brutally honest with yourself without judgment.  You are Okay no matter what someone says about you.  Let God make up the difference.  His mother abandoned him when he was young.  His father was great in raising him.  He loves his father.  But if his father told him he was disappointed in him, he'd still feel okay.  You need to learn you're okay regardless of what someone else says.  We're all inadequate.  A critic is attuned to point out our inadequacies.  It is difficult when someone points them out to us repeatedly.  That is a jerk.  You can be okay even with your inadequacies.  Christ will make up for your inadequacies.  When they had only five loaves of bread and a few fish, that was considered inadequate.  However, the Lord was able to make up the difference and there was plenty for all with twelve baskets left over. When he reads this story he pictures himself as the lad with the five loaves and fishes. There are times in his life when he's asked to feed 5,000.  He sees that what he has is not nearly enough and he feels like he can't do it.  But in this story, Christ says give them to me and I will make up the difference.  And he does, and Christ gives to him more than he gave.  We should just admit that we are inadequate.  Nobody should make us feel more inadequate than that.  There are six D's in dealing with criticism.  Dissect your feeling, deflect or defuse the critics, deal with the criticism, deal with the critic, distance yourself if needed.  To dissect your feelings, learn your defensiveness triggers and own them.  Why does this make me feel so inadequate?  Why did this bother me?  Why did it hurt me?  Is it the person?  Would you accept the same words in the same situation from another person?  Is it the subject?  Are you particularly sensitive to this subject?  Is it what they said?  What is the emotional behind the hurt?  Are you always hurt by this type of comment?  Own your reaction -- not theirs.  This helps you abandon blame and victimization.  As long as you're in blame, you'll always be reacting and defensive.  Deflect of diffuse.  Argue with yourself:  "That's not true!"  Let us recognize and make use of our talents, abilities, skills, and capacity instead of allowing these traits to be buried through self criticism, forgetfulness and disuse.  Elder Maxwell counseled "Some of us stand before no more harsh a judge than ourselves, a judge who stubbornly refuses to admit much happy evidence and who cares nothing for due process."  If you did ten great things and one stupid thing, what are you going to remember?  Stop that!  Be willing to consider that there is more than one version of the truth.  Consider that they too may be right.  I am willing to consider that you may be right.  Now when the even was come, he sat down with the twelve.  And as they did eat, he said Verily I say unto you, that one of you shall betray me. And they were exceeding sorrowful, and began every one of them to say unto him, Lord is it I?  Suppose a husband and wife were driving home from the in-laws and the wife says, "You called me fat in front of your parents!"  If he denies it, a big fight will ensure.  I didn't say that.  Yes, you did.  No, I didn't!  Yes, you did.  Instead, he could say, Did I do that?  Yes!  What did I say?  You said I shouldn't have a second dessert.  Did you feel like that was saying you were fat? Yes!  I didn't mean it that way.  I'm sorry if I made you feel bad. Create a criticism filter.  Whose problem is it and is this something I can or should resolve?  Without emotion, self judgment or self indictment ask yourself.  Is this even something I should worry about or pay attention to?  Is this a mistake I need to correct?  Is this an issue with the critic or is this an issue of situation, circumstance or facts?  Filer all but about 10% of the criticism.  Pick the ONE thing you will focus on.  Cut it all up into little chunks and throw it away except for 10%. Don't even pay attention to the rest.  Consider that 10% in what you might do to become a better person.  He did this with his step mother.  She'd call him a lazy, stupid teenager, good for nothing.  He tuned that all out, but did hear her saying he should pick up his clothes.  So he picked up his clothes and felt better.  President Hinckley said "Wise is the man who can acknowledge mistakes pointed out by others and change his course."  If we come unto the Lord, He can show us our weaknesses.  There are plenty of people to tell us our weaknesses but we need to be humble enough to take them to the Lord so He can tell us what to work on.  Deal with the critic.  Who is the jerk in your life that you cower away from?  Do not respond in kid.  Resist the urge to respond to criticism with criticism.  Set boundaries.  Own your feelings.  Stand up for them.  Say "That was mean and hurtful.  I am not available to your disrespect and abuse."  Move from knowing to learning.  Become curious.  Seek first to understand.  Tell me all about it.  Stop arguing about who is right.  Learn their story.  Learn all you can.  Move from certainty to curiosity.  Can you share a little about how you see things?  What information do you have that I don't?  What impact have my actions had on you?  Can you say a bit more about why you think this is my fault?  Were you reacting to something I did or something I said?  How are you feeling about all this?  Say more about why this is important to you.  Before you feel hurt, try to understand what they said.  Forgive them and change your mind about them.  Be willing to see them differently.  A cry for love.  See them as someone whose need is masked by the criticism.  Uncover their needs (safety, validation, attention, recognition).  Start from the third story.  Not your story, not their story, but the story from the perspective of a keen third party.  Think like a mediator.  Get outside your story and get outside their story.  Invite them to join you in figuring out how to solve the issue or problem.  An invitation can be turned down.  Ask them to be your partner in figuring it out.  If someone says something mean to you, don't be available to that kind of talk.  However, consider that there might be something to it.  Try to understand.  I don't understand why you don't like my cooking.  Then say, Wow!  Can you help me?  When you make them your partner, often the criticism will go away.  It all starts with you feeling worthy of not being criticized.  If they're not willing to talk about it, then you should be done with it and not even give it consideration.  You can't change a critic.  You can only own your response.  You need to be emotionally whole even through criticism.  Distance yourself.  If it's not working, step away, withdraw emotionally, hang up in you're on the phone, step back physically.  Be patient, be kind, be understanding, be positive.  He has stopped short of talking about anything permanent.  He believes in working it out first.  If it comes to the point that it just isn't working, you may need to walk away.  You may need to put up a wall emotionally because the hurt is too great.  Be kind, be understanding, and be positive ESPECIALLY TO YOURSELF.  It might also be something within yourself that is causing you to react negatively to what they are saying.  Sometimes the people we want and expect to love are the critics.  But this starts from the inside out.  Discover their needs.  Many times when someone criticizes us, it is because they have low self worth.  They put us down because they want to feel better about themselves.  There might be something bigger and deeper behind the criticism.  Maybe they are crying for love.  See them in their innocence instead of their guilt.  You might be able to help them love themselves enough so that they don't take their lack of self love out on you.  This may require professional help.  But we need to try to see our critics the way the Lord sees them.  You can love your enemies.  You can get there.  It starts with you feeling you're worthy of respect.  You can feel emotionally whole!